It’s a cold Chicago winter morning In the middle of the cold month of January.  I walk down Madison avenue and my neighborhood gymn window is chock full of determined souls filled with their new years resolutions.   I look at the grim faces. Gazes lock onto me as I walk by and though few faces are happy…they are resolute.  

It’s only a few weeks into the new year.  Most of us made resolutions to change “something” about ourselves.   I wonder how many treadmills will still be occupied by the second cold week of February.  How many resolved souls will find the way back to pizza in the next few harder weeks?   Changes that seem simple in the aftermath of a holiday season of gluttony become more complex as the weeks speed along.  We start missing our old pleasures and sins. Habits are actions we have chosen to cope with the patterns and wounds of our lives…no matter what that habit may be.  It really shouldn’t be a new years “resolution” that we make.  Rather than a vow to “change” a habit… we should instead vow to look at the underlying reason we select the actions that become habits. 

The woman that drinks too much wine in the last day’s of a bad relationship is really inebriating in order to escape the painful clarity that loss is just ahead. She drinks to pretend that she didn’t choose a relationship that turned out to be broken.  She drinks to pretend to be happy as long as she can.  Acceptance of failure isn’t easy to embrace.  

The man that can’t wait for the 11:00 lunch break to go stuff a zillion calories into his every expanding gut is not happy and fulfilled with his job. The food is comfort in an otherwise meaningless day.  He is afraid to look at the truth because he made all the choices to be spending his time meaninglessly.  He has to hold himself accountable for those choices and then change his life if he accepts that clarity.  It is so easy to enjoy the double decker salami and crispy potato chips with a bad ass brownie.  It is the biggest pleasure he can find in the midst of a long empty day.

The 18 year old that drops out of college to smoke pot and hang out with friends is really afraid of making any choices at all.  Numbing the fear is easier than examining a lack of confidence.  Perhaps the insecurities started with absent or overbearing parents that assisted in undermining confidence from an early age.  Perhaps the fear started when the child observed others failing in their life choices.  Dropping out and playing video games is comforting. Dealing with the fear is frightening.  Pot makes the drop out easier.

If we accept that habits and addictions are the result of dealing with our life patterns we start understanding how true change can occur. Facing those underlying fears and wounds is the only way we change. It still takes willpower but at least we may implement change that returns light and joy to our lives.  We lessen the need for our addictions and distractions with truth.   Changing the “habit” without changing the life pattern is rarely successful.  We don’t like pain.  We don’t like fear.  We would rather find some distraction and pleasurable activity to avoid dealing with pain.  It’s a natural protective reaction though that reaction often gives rise to other damages  You can only eat so much chocolate cake without exchanging bad relationship pain for a body image crisis. 

As the weeks spin by and the treadmill gears turn I would wish for everyone to look at the habits they are correcting.  Why did the habit begin with regular choices?  A habit doesn’t happen overnight.  Smoking one cigarette doesn’t create a smoker.  One glass of wine doesn’t make an alcoholic.  One badass brownie doesn’t create a fat ass.  It’s the need to indulge in those pleasures to mask other fears or painful realizations that causes the habit. The truth is that life would be less pleasant without occasional indulgence.  Wine, chocolate, comfort foods are good things.  The use of those indulgences to mask the light of truth is not a wise choice for anyone. 

I know of what I speak.  This year of 2014 is the year I return to dating. I had a long hiatus.  It was necessary.  I am bringing all my fears, insecurities and past wounds into this quest for companionship, sex, fun and partnership.  I have to examine them regularly in order to simply be in joy about dating.  It is hard sometimes.  I don’t always want to keep dating.  Sometimes I find myself  thinking “aloneness” is not so bad and why did I think I wanted to have to face all these fears?  I have a very full and joyful life.  But I also believe that life is better shared.  Therefore I must examine my underlying insecurities, fears and also my dreams in order to make wiser choices and avoid future pain.  I am resolute. II am in the light of my truth.  I am hopeful. 

Examine the reasons for your habits and light will shine into your life.  If you eat because you don’t like your chosen career you are wasting the valuable moments of your life.  If you are drinking to numb painful relationship change ahead you are wasting the valuable moments of your life.  If you are dropping out of life to avoid a confidence crisis you are wasting the valuable moments of your life.  If you spend all your time alone you are missing out on valuable moments of love and connection.  What could you do with that time?  What light could you bring to yourself and others if you spent that time more meaningfully?  Would facing your fears allow love, passion, joy and light into your life in a more complete way? Yes.  Absolutely. Does that take work?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Is it worth it?  Yes. Absolutely.  Shine the light of truth into your new resolutions for 2014.  Make the changes that change your life.  Make that your new habit and love and light will follow. 

The simple light of truth comes from the complicated darkness of examining our habits.





Making sense of the dark

dark makes sense

Have you ever had a moment when you felt that nothing made sense?  A moment where all your efforts in some area of your life (or perhaps several area’s) were for naught?  Perhaps you wondered why terrible things were happening to you.  Perhaps these terrible things seemed to make no sense.  You are a good person right?  So why did things happen to you that were not fair?  Have you had that moment?

I have had that moment.  I have had that moment more than once.  Most recently I had that moment in the spring of 2013 when many area’s of my life were just not working. I had been pretending but the longer I pretended the more the universe assisted me in making my pretense unbearable.  My love life had been a joke as I had been with a man that was not as he committed to be in our life together.  My career was in shambles as I had lost my drive and was mired in confusion about what outcomes I even sought.  My son was graduating high school and needed serious parenting yet I felt so lost each moment. How could I shine a light for him when I couldn’t even seem to shine for myself? I was barely able to put one foot in front of the other.  Every moment had a weight and a stress as I looked at my life with honest contemplation.  I could see a 2 year pattern of bad decisions made for reasons of insecurity, ego and human frailties that I didn’t want to believe that I had.  But the evidence was overwhelming in a terrible moment of clarity…..  One bad decision after another all stacked up into a result of awfulness that could no longer be ignored.

Please understand…..I’m not a stupid, lazy or thoughtless person. I have had entire decades of clarity and success.  But yet….there I was with so many dark things in my moments that little light shone into any given day.  I would open my eyes in the morning and mostly wish I didn’t have to get up to face all the things that needed to be dealt with.  Some days I would barely shuffle through getting dressed and had no possibility of my former level of accomplishment.  The pressure of things undone continued to build.  Everything felt dark and confusing.  Decisions that had seemed positive and energy spent in ways that had promised love, success and security….now seemed obvious mistakes. 

But if you are strong (as most of us are) you don’t stay down for the count.  You finally accept you fell down and fell hard.  After that acceptance you start thinking about why you fell, what you injured, how you fix it and how you get back up and moving forward again.

As time went on I moved away from my relationship into freedom.  Light began to trickle in.  I began to parent my son through some difficult decisions with the clarity the situation required. More clarity and light started to shine in each day.  I began to sell my business and settle my career situation. Finally joy and peace began to build in each day again.

 It is now January of 2014 and I am still making changes. I am facing the remnants of that dark time and understanding it’s lessons. My days are easier. I am no longer denying that poor decisions were poor. I lost the weight of pretending things were just going to work out.  It is not easier simply because of the work that went into moving forward and having already taken steps at this date.  It is easier because I am in the light of my truth again. 

I wake up holding myself and no one else responsible for how my day yields a harvest.  Once again I am accountable for the peace, joy, love and light that I create in each moment of each day.  I send gratitude to the universe for all the things that hurt me in 2011, 2012 into 2013.  Each of the dark things that hurt me also helped me learn a lesson and I am grateful.

It is darkness to find that friends are not always true.  Lovers are not always true.  Your own decisions are not always true.  What happens when things are really hard when most things have always been easy? What happens when you make fear based decisions rather than brave decisions? That dark moment of understanding of mistakes is when a hard working “lucky” person learns what is important.  That’s when the dark times start to make some sense. 

If we never find out what it feels like to be disappointed, hurt, given up, betrayed, lost or helpless….how can we have sympathy and compassion for those that are experiencing that state of being?  We simply can’t.  The darkest times of loss and betrayal or pain are the times that light the way to understanding of the human condition. If you haven’t been bound in a cage you don’t understand freedom. If you haven’t been ill you don’t know the value of healing.  If you haven’t been lost you don’t understand the security of knowing your way.  If you haven’t been completely knocked down with pain so intense you can barely move then you don’t know the freedom of running freely with joy.  All the darkest moments bring these lessons.  We may not enjoy them…we may not welcome them…but we do learn from them.

Grace comes only from our darker moments.  Compassion accompanies the person that understands dark times.   Appreciation of light is easiest as we leave darkness.  Clarity is understood when light shines through the confusion of darkness. 

If you are in a dark patch…struggling for light….push through.  Push through to the light and joy with all your being.  When you find your way back to the light celebrate your joy and freedom.  But don’t forget to look back for the lesson.  The dark teaches us to confront our fears, our ego and our losses. It teaches us to be kind.  It teaches us the value of love.  The dark makes sense in this complicated and beautiful universe we live in….though we will never enjoy it we can learn to be grateful for the lessons and the patterns of darkness that run though our lives.

The simple light that comes from the complicated darkness brings clarity, compassion, gratitude and grace.



If light is a solid it can hold a thought

Light form

Does light have a solid weight?

I know from much personal study of the power of words that words have a weight. Intent has a weight. We can all feel the power of our intentions when they settle in our truth. We change with the weight of our intents. Energy has a weight. Does light have a solid weight? That is a scientific question with spiritual ramifications. Because if light does have a weight then it holds matter, energy and thoughts just as every spiritual piece of evidence has every suggested.

I think it has weight. Have you ever sat in a bright window and felt that the sunlight literally had a beautiful weight as you closed your eyes and let the sun “beat” down upon your being? Have you ever been at the seashore and looked at the silvery beams of a full moon as you felt the tug on the ocean and in your being? How can it not have a weight when it fills us with endorphins, plants with energy and photosynthesis of sunlight occurs across this big beautiful planet? Light holds many things.

All in the universe is connected and there are connections via light. The link below inspired this post today. It is a beautiful video if you have time to watch it. If light is a solid it can hold a thought. The video shows some very scientific matters displayed in a new way with vibrating light matter. Light can stream, it can connect, it can travel and it is the connection to all of us as one. It is solid and it does hold thoughts I believe. Think about that possibility. It is powerful and opens the world differently to us all.

I am not the only one that wants to have the proof and knowing of lights role in everything that is and will be. Science labors to find unification theories to explain the anomalies in physics….we know the answers are to be found though they elude this manifestation of man currently. The answer that pulls everything together and connects everything has to be simple and encompassing….just as Einstein said it would be. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everything were just that simple? I think it is that simple. We just haven’t been able to prove it yet. But this video shines a little light of possibility as new information is discovered. Additionally, I give you a beautiful new science discovery article below – about light forming mass.

The simple light that comes from the complicated darkness shows us our connection to everything.

The coincidence of 444


I didn’t always see 444.  I didn’t want to see 444 when they started to appear everywhere. It felt a bit ominous when I noticed the number 444 randomly and often. My son teased me that I needed to watch the Jim Carrey movie 23 and then take a long hard look at some psychotherapy. I kept the fact that I saw 444 very quiet after that. At first they did seem to be coincidence in fact though they made me nervous as stated.  I would see 4:44 on my alarm clock upon awakening suddenly.  I would buy a coffee and two cupcake pops at starbucks and it would cost $4.44.  I would pay for groceries and it would be $44.44 or $44.40 or $14.44 or even $84.44.  You get the drift.  All of the instances were seemingly coincidental or something that I was noticing and likely the 333 and 222 and 777’s were just as frequent but I was only tuned into the 444.  This went on for months.  I started to see the 444 on license plates, phone numbers, addresses and almost daily I would wake at 4:44 am.  A bit spooky right?   I still managed to believe it was all coincidence.

Then one very challenging day on a very challenging project that I still wish that I had avoided….I had emails from an insurance firm at 444 W. Madison in NYC, an office supply store at 444 N. Orleans and Fed-ex at 444 N. Wells (both in Chicago).  I also applied for a credit account for the business that I was consulting and the temporary account number was 444444444A4.   It was just too much when a column totaled up to $444,000.00 on a spreadsheet and the alarm randomly went off in the building at 4:44 pm.  (Of course that was after arriving at the building in cab 1444 after awakening at 4:44 am and seeing a bus 444 go buy as I bought my Starbucks before work.)

I went home.  At long last I googled 444.  Instantly the book “the messenger” showed up.  (An altogether different explanation of Angel messengers that isn’t my reasoning though I think the universe was obviously at work in both instances.)  But beyond that book there were an amazing amount of 444 questions and entries on numerological sites, blogs and even face book chapters, clubs and projects devoted to people that see 444.  I was more relieved than I wanted to say.  If so many people were seeing this phenomenon then I couldn’t be crazy…right?

I started to believe that more was going on than I had understood.  I had been through several hard years of challenging health, a departure from a job that I no longer wanted to do and a bad breakup romantically.  Maybe the 444 was some kind of an angel message.  Maybe the numerological triplicity meaning I found on a numerological site – to follow and work hard at your dreams was true.  Maybe the vibrations of our energy really do attract certain things in our lives based on events occurring or to occur for us as individuals.  Maybe each of these things are true.  Maybe they are all true.

Today I see a bit more clearly.  I can understand that from the time that I started to open my mind that 444 was actually happening in my life for a reason my spirituality broke open and started to grow.  Astrology and numerology had been something that intrigued me but I had little belief in much else.  I had always been more psychic than I was comfortable saying to anyone.  I had a knowing of people and things…but I ran away from it.  I called this coincidence too.  As I started to review light working posts and saw the humble acceptance of the greatest highest good among light workers….I became intrigued despite my self imposed limitations on my spiritual belief system. 

I can only speak for the experience that I had and continue to have with 444.  It’s a reminder from the loving universe, source, guides (angels to some) that I needed to find my purpose and my joy.  I needed to understand my way back to light and taking responsibility for my choices and love. I needed to find the purpose that I spiritually chose in this human existence.

444.  I love that number.  I rejoice when I see it in my daily tasks and path.   It became and is a magical number to me.  I shine my light and that was my purpose. I firmly believe the 444 was the sign to look for my purpose and to embrace lightworking.   I hope you find what your purpose is and shine your light just as surely no matter what life purpose was chosen by and for you in this human existence we are all sharing.

444 brought me the simple light to share spiritually…. from the complicated darkness of an unexamined spirit.





Lets talk about quarks….



Did you know that the smallest sub bits of energy are called quarks?  Did you know that the simple act of measuring quarks and expecting a result in predictive movement influences the quarks to behave as expected? Think about that for just a moment.  The very act of expecting a result causes the smallest particles known – the basic fabric of all that is in the universe to actually behave as expected statistically.  A thought and expectation influences matter. 

Further realize that those same quarks vibrate and dance to tones.  These complicated little quarks come in pairs that are given names “up quark, down quark, charm quark, strange quark, top quark and bottom quark. They create patters from randomly generated tones.

 Imagine that all those little quarks in your body are expecting, attracting and cooperating with your intent.  Imagine that all the quarks in the entire universe are expecting, attracting and cooperating with your intent.  In fact quarks are cooperating with your intent.  You are the creator of your reality and as your quarks dance along to the tune you are producing and vibrating other quarks fall in line. 

Watch your thoughts, have clear intentions and allow the universe to bring you your hopes and dreams. You have more power in each day than you may realize.  You create more than you realize.  Are you creating light and love?  What are you choosing to allow your quarks to manifest in your life and in the lives of others? 

For more on quarks – some complicated quark science made simple –

You can also read more about the lovely science of quarks in Brian Greene’s “The elegant universe”. 

The simple light that comes from complicated darkness of this universe is love.  Allow your quarks to dance with love and the light of your truth daily.





The need for light

recognizing light

My way into the light was not easy. It came after many years of globetrotting, achieving, failing, rebuilding, illness, heartbreak, kind gestures, kinship, more heartbreak, success and exhaustion.

I like to say that I am a lifelong student. That is truth and I also like to say I am a truth seeker. But what I chose to learn was not always the greatest highest good for myself. I was sometimes an excellent student in activities that did not move me into joy but rather fed my ego or comforted insecurities. I rushed from experience to experience from the time I was a baby. I was eager to know many things. I did not question what gave my life balance, joy, clarity and purpose for most of my adult life. Work success, beauty, validation of worth and knowledge all made me feel secure. Therefore that was the way I spent my energy with the thought that as those successes were achieved I would be happy. I was not happy. Some lessons were learned the harder way and at the expense of much time and energy.

Some lessons are not learned until the same mistakes are made often enough that an unmistakable pattern emerges. I made some very simple mistakes over and over as I mastered other complicated things easily. I put my energy into relationships without realizing that unless I loved myself just as I was and as I wanted to be I would never be finding completion in relationships. I was very thin, I was very attractive yet that brought no happiness either beyond moments of ego gratification. I worked hard and achieved much career success. Ironically the highest levels of success brought the greatest feelings of personal emptiness.

Over the years I read books on religion, I lived in many countries with differing ways of spiritual expression and beliefs. So many contradictions resulted in no spiritual belief beyond science at one point. I was empty but did not understand that as I filled my life with other non-spiritual experiences. But as patterns emerged, signs occurred, synchronicity took over and I started my spiritual path on the back of some hard mistakes.

I was led to understanding that light, darkness and the shadows between were all energies, emotions, or ways of being. The concepts of yin and yang, source and antimatter, the light and dark, God and Satan, Angel and Devil all have similarity if we look at these various spiritual ways of thinking. We instinctively identify good emotion with light and difficult emotion with dark. That is too simple for real life. Truth is that our lives will never be completely happy, joyous, carefree and light. Neither will our lives be completely awful with no hope of redemption from moments of sadness, loss, destruction, pain and darkness. The balance is found in our choice for the greatest highest good. As we form our thoughts so form our energies and so manifests our reality. With conscious creation of greatest highest good we can limit our difficult time and move into light more fully. Light is always to be found and darkness is necessary for growth so we balance the two as we reach enlightenment. More ancient civilizations than ours perhaps understood this better than we have yet managed. We are likely the ancestors of a series of races that faced near extinction if we accept some of the more recent architectural research and theories that are busy explaining some of the scientific disparities in old ways of thinking. Perhaps this current manifestation of human kind will be around long enough to understand intuition, spirit, connectedness of varying physics and the greater pattern of our universe. We have little hints to go on at this time. As Einstein would say “We can choose to believe nothing is a miracle or we can choose to believe that everything is a miracle.” We are still learning basic things about how we as humans manifest, energy, power and dimension. We have to make sense of things for ourselves in this world where very complicated things are not yet understood.

No matter how important this quest might seem…we do not consider such broad yet basic thoughts of being, energy, manifestation of our energies regularly. We are asleep. It is understandable that we are asleep. We come into this world supported by our parents that teach us the truths of their limited beliefs. As young adults our friends and business acquaintances show us their truths. We journey through our lives thinking of and acquiring the things we found important. Career success, relationships, children, beauty, bank account balance, possessions, certain friendships are all expressions of our needs to feel secure and valued. These “things” have little to do with our purpose and nothing to do with the understanding of light and dark, energy and emotional manifestation. Nevertheless, the things we find important in our early years are the things that made us feel most secure and comforted around our parents modeling and fears. We may even hold onto those habits of security and comfort forever. Some will blame others for their unhappiness rather than taking the time to understand what their purpose was to be and rebuilding an unhappy life into a happy life. Others will never feel the need to seek a greater understanding and simply justify their existence as it is without ever knowing more.

We all know someone that chases business success to the exclusion of all life’s other pleasures. Likely we have met a beautiful person that spends all of their energy, time and attention on their own physical appearance. We may meet people that journey into their art and creation of their art and find value in little else. Others take on bitter relationship battles and ignore the quality of their life as they give all their energy to pointless and resentful battles that occur when unsustainable relationships are not changed for the greatest highest good of all. As long as a person is finding some meaning, validation, comfort, satisfaction and security in their path there is little chance they will dig deeper into changing spiritually for joy, love and more fulfilling contentment.

I will never say that any way of being is “wrong”. I judge no one for toiling away in darkness with little thought of their most important purpose or their very spirituality. Some will never question their path and activities and I respect their journey nevertheless. My purpose for writing this blog is not to say “right versus wrong”. However, I have never been as happy, balanced, sure and available to my life as I am now.

I was completely dark and only sure of one thing at the lowest point of my life. I needed change. I needed out of a very poor relationship choice, the removal of certain people from my life, the downsizing of my career path, a new way of physical expression and nutrition, and a fundamental change in my parenting path. It took me a solid year plus to rebuild from that low point. I spent all my time weeding out poor relationships, dark people, dark emotions that had become habitual, low energy beings, embracing balancing activities, practicing gratitude, finding truth, inner reflection and opening my mind. I did little else but change during that year. I gave myself over to the need for it. As I started to embrace these changes I was different from one week to another as I was from decade to decade in the previous years of my life. I absorbed little lessons that led to other lessons that led to greater ways of understanding.

I am grateful for the darkness that I experienced and the people that I selected who sometimes hurt me deeply. It led me to the time of changing. I am wondrous as I look at life ahead and see years filled with joy, laughter and love as I start into this new way of being and living. I am connected to source easily at this time. I can see the greater order and pattern of the universe and have a much deeper knowing of greatest highest good. I am still learning. It will take work to achieve momentary grace in the light from time to time. That is part of the path of a human being. Struggle, understanding and lessons are to be mastered in this experience we select for ourselves. Momentary grace is a state that we achieve just as that.

I write this blog to share my stories and experiences and to understand yours. We all have something to teach each other.

The simple light that comes from complicated darkness is love and light. This is my truth to teach.